Fragile
December 08, 2020
Jennie Allen
Bible teacher, founder of IF:Gathering
"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him." Psalm 103:8-13
I think a lot of us have felt this emotion during the pandemic...fragile. How many of you feel fragile? This is the beautiful thing about God - despite our sin, fears, doubting, spinning, forgetting, and running, he stays. He stays and he likes us and he loves us. He is slow to anger, he is abounding in steadfast love, and he takes care of the thing we can't take care of: our mistakes and sin. I start here because it does feel like the world is spinning. It doesn't feel like it's going to stop anytime soon! In Dallas today, I was at Starbucks and they had closed down the inside of the building. We're not working in the office right now because the numbers have really spiked in Dallas, so we are doing our best to lock back down and be careful. I'll be honest - it's shaken me. I'm remembering how much this is impacting people we love. One of my best friend's brother just got out of the hospital. It was touch and go for awhile. We want it to be over and it's just not over yet. Maybe you're listening to this months or years from now and it's long-gone and you know Covid-19 is a thing of the past. But today, it feels like the thing that will never end.
GOD'S RESPONSE TO OUR FRAGILITY
What I love about God is he isn't impatient with us that we think life is hard. We think life is hard even when it's not hard. It's all comparison. We are having to stay in our pretty comfortable homes with our jobs we can do from the internet, our school we can do from the internet, but we're still spinning. There's a lot of people on earth that Covid-19 is affecting way past that point. A loved one has died or they are losing their job. But for most of us, we are sitting in the midst of difficulty. Not necessarily losing our jobs or loved ones, but just feeling stuck.
As we've talked about before, that's okay. This is a universal feeling. This is hard. There's a Covid fog over all of our lives right now, no matter the varying degrees this has been difficult for you personally. I think we all feel this fog of loss of control, what happens next, and what if things get worse? When I think about that, I do feel fragile. I felt fragile when I walked into Starbucks. But I also know that God is not shaken by that. I can give God my fears. I can give him my sadness. He doesn't sit there and think, "kid, pull it together. You're just fine. Other people have it worse and I'm going to go take care of them." He is omnipresent. He can be with me and my sadness and discouragement, but he can also be with you in your sadness and discouragement over something way bigger, and somehow not shame us! Sometimes it's small and sometimes it's huge. In both situations, God is with us.
FRAGILITY LEADS TO DEPENDENCE
I'm so grateful for that steadfast love. I'm so grateful he does not leave us, quit us, and roll his eyes at us. I am that mom sometimes! I want to talk about this in my own life, because this week it wasn't just Starbucks, it was bigger. I actually went to a conference that was incredible and led by some good friends of ours. We were socially distanced and it was a virtual event, but we were there with some of the other teachers. I left that really fragile. The main reason I left that fragile was because we were talking about the future of the church and of America and our world. It was really dark, candidly, and very discouraging. As we look ahead at our country and the church at the things we have to overcome - racism, division over politics, etc. - there are lots of scary things! I left there heavy. You know that feeling where you just feel like you're carrying so big, heavy burden? You know you don't have to, you know you're supposed to put it down, but you just can't set it down? That was me for the last week and a half. I cried more than usual and have been very tender. I think the reason I feel so fragile this week is I'm discouraged. I look ahead and I can't quite find the road that leads to thriving for the people I love and lead, and even for myself.
I know my hope is in Heaven and I have that perspective. That's what's keeping me going in this! But when I think about leading a lot of you, IF:Gathering, my next book, I kind of got paralyzed. I just prayed and said, "God, I need you to give me vision and show me how to not be scared and how to not fear the future and not live in this discouragement. But let this discouragement help me build what you want me to build and do what you want me to do." As I prayed that this week and people have prayed for me this week, the word he gave me was, "Jennie, I'm not going to give you what to do. I'm not going to tell you exactly how this is going to go. I'm not going to give your little prophetic heart a vision that lays it out perfectly today. I'm going to tell you the next thing to do." That didn't feel like enough for me. I wanted to see ahead and know where I'm taking people and what we're going to be up against in 5 years, so I can lead well! But all I could hear from God was, "I just want you to do the right thing. I just want you to love people and love me and listen to me. As we're going together, I'll show you when it's time to tell people things and what to tell them. But I'm not going to give you the whole 5 year architectural plan, even though you would love it. Because I'm okay with you living dependent. I'm okay with you being a little fragile and needing me. If I gave you the plans, you wouldn't need me. You would just execute the plans. But in this way, when you walk with me, you're going to need me. You're going to pray and talk to me and ask me and pause and bring me into this story."
I've walked with God for a long time and it's not the first time he's had to remind me of that. He has reminded me of that again and again and again. We are fragile! We are a breath from Heaven. We are a car wreck away, a step away, one decision away from our lives being taken. We are fragile people. When we feel that, it's not all bad. It's a reminder that we need God. He doesn't want us to live a day or an hour without needing him. That's the power of needing him.
Q&A
How can I let my friends be there for me when I'm feeling fragile?
I know this is a vulnerable question to even ask, because I hate this. I'm not actually good at this. I'm writing about living in deep, intimate community the way God designed and I am horrible at it! I'm great at being there for people, but when it's me on the mat that needs help, I'm horrible. I don't want to crawl on the mat or admit that I need the mat. I just avoid it! So I get this. What I do, and my friends would say I do it awkwardly, but I just say, "I need to talk for a minute. Can you listen and help me with this problem?" I will set it up in such an awkward way. My friend Lindsey is so good at needing people. She'll just call me and say, "ugh, I'm having the worst day." For some reason I can't do that. I have to tell people I'm about to process with you my difficult thing and will you do that with me? I don't know why I'm so awkward about it. It's not something that comes easy to me. But it's a choice. It's something I say I'm going to do, and then I do it. It doesn't just roll off my tongue when I'm talking to a friend. ChoosE to let people in even if you do it awkwardly.
The world will tell me to be stronger and work harder to stop feeling fragile, but it only makes me feel weaker.
I appreciate that comment. Being fragile is not the worst thing in the world. We are so afraid of weakness in our culture. We are so afraid of weakness in ourselves that we push it away and pretend it's not there. It makes everybody else feel really isolated. I've probably told you this story before, but my grandma used to always say that she would leave her mail out and her counter a little dirty, because she wanted people to feel at home. She used to say in her North Carolina accent, "people just like you better if your house isn't perfect." That has stuck with me. Whether it's my life isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, my emotions aren't perfect, my house isn't perfect, I'm not afraid to show that as much as I used to be. I have found that it brings deeper connections in my life. Being weak is not a negative. I have seen over and over in my life that it actually ministers to people when you're honest about it.
What are a few of the things I can do on days when I wake up feeling the most fragile?
The first thing I do, and I did this recently when I didn't sleep well. I rolled out of my bed and let my knees hit the floor. I don't always do that, but I should. In fact, I thought that when I did it, "I should do this every day." But on this day, I hit the floor and I said, "God, I feel weak. I don't know how to do this day. I need you." It was a really great way to start the day! After that, I got up and went about my business. I didn't try to get out of bed and pretend I didn't feel that way. I just admitted that I did and went to God with it. I think that's the very best advice I can give you - take it to God and keep taking it to God. People ask me about my prayer life and most of it happens on the go. That's true. There are lots of times I'm sitting down and in deep prayer by myself or with people, but the majority of my prayer life happens throughout the day. It is constant. That's the way we have to live - constantly bringing God into what we're feeling and processing. Asking him what to do. Should we open up about this? Should I view this differently? He is so good to answer our prayers and lead us! Another thing you can do that I regularly do is mention it to people in a way they can open up too. When I'm with other people that are feeling the same things as me, it really comforts me. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone and I'm not the only one this feels hard for. Bringing community into it is always helpful. The last thing I'll say is, you can get help. I hope throughout this season you have heard this enough, but for some of you, you've realized this year that you are not doing well. You might need more help than you thought. That is okay! Every counselor I know right now is booked solid. But I still recommend you reach out and get help. Find a gospel-centered counselor in your city or online and do not be afraid to get help. If this season has brought a lot to the surface for you, it is a gift to know that and to be able to begin the work of growth. Do not be discouraged. You are not the only person needing help right now. To ask for that help is actually such a sign of maturity and can change the next decade of your life, if you do the work now.