How to Love When It's Hard
March 30, 2021
Jennie Allen
Bible teacher, founder of IF:Gathering
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." - Romans 12:9-10
We're going to talk about love and outdoing one another in showing honor to others today. I'm really excited about that, because I actually don't see a lot of that right now in the world. I see it in my personal life, but I don't see it on the internet or out in the news. I definitely see a lot more of the opposite. But even today, in my personal life, two or three people check on me, because I'm editing right now and I'm neck deep in it and alone a lot. They have outdone themselves in showing me that I'm valuable to them. So I see it in my own life. I expect that many of you see that in your own lives as well. You have been and your friends have been outdoing one another in loving and taking care of each other. I expect that's true. However, we can get so discouraged and beat down by the darkness, hate, and division in the world that we can forget that this is the most qualifying and unique feature about us as believers in the world. It qualifies our faith to the world, because Jesus says they will know you by your love for one another. That's what Jesus said we will be known by. That will cause others to see our faith. How we love.
I'm going to read a quote out of The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. He talks about different types of relationships and what they're supposed to do. He says this, "to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
THREE TRUTHS TO LIVE BY
This is the work of our lives - those of us that are believers - to love people. People disappoint us. You disappoint people. But God never disappoints us. Those three truths are why we can love radically. If we believe those three things: that everybody has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and so have you and that God is faithful, enduring, and steadfast and will never disappoint you - those truths held in tandem cause us great freedom. Now I can go into relationships and be disappointed by people and it does not ruin everything about my day. I'm not even surprised! You guys, you would not believe the difficulty that has surrounded our lives since IF:2021. There have been conversations we've had that were so difficult - I'm tired and I need to rest and I don't want to do these hard conversations! However, they don't surprise me. And I'm not overly discouraged by them. I can have a really hard conversation with somebody, come home for dinner, and have a great night! Because I'm not putting all my hope in these relationships that will disappoint me. I have perspective. My dependency is not on all of these relationships working out right. If it's possible for me, I'm going to live at peace with all men because that's what scripture calls me to do, but I'm not going to let it consume me when that's not possible.
Some of you can not fathom living this way. The verse that comes to mind is, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10.) I would go to work on that. I have a book on it called Nothing to Prove. It is about the death of my people pleasing idol and the war of fighting that idol down and leaving that at the grace, because I could not carry it anymore. It is an exhausting thing to try to be right with everybody. It is a really fun thing to accept that you won't be right with everybody and you're doing the best you can with that. You're trying to confess sin, you're trying to work out conflict, you're not avoiding it, you're aware of your own sin and quick to apologize, but after that and you've done what you can to make it right, then that's it. You've done what you can. There is a peace that comes when you've done everything you can to live at peace with men and it's just not possible. But you love them anyway! Even though they disappoint you and hurt you. That doesn't mean you stay in toxic, evil relationships for years and years and years - set some boundaries. But we can radically love because we've been radically loved by God. Because we have been offensive to God and sinned against him and he has loved us anyway. It causes us to live a life where people have offended us and hurt us and love them anyway. Not because of our own strength, but because of the love we've experienced from God.
Scripture says the person that is forgiven much, forgives much. I find that so true and hopeful. When I'm in touch with my own sin and my own brokenness, I'm very rarely offended by other people. It's not that I'm self-deprecating, but I know I let people down. I can be quick to apologize and let minor offenses go and assume the best about people. Because I don't want to live with a chip on my shoulder - that's exhausting.
INTENTIONALLY BLESSING PEOPLE WHO HARD TO LOVE
We're coming out of Covid and a lot of you are seeing your family for the first time. We're coming off of a season of long distance from people we love. I think loving hard family members looks like wanting to intentionally show them God. We have some friends in our small group that have a really difficult relationship with a family member, and I watch them all the time make choices to love that family member in ways that are costly and difficult. When you ask them the motivation for that, they would say that they want that person to see God in their lives. It is a great motivation because ultimately nobody can show God to our family members and friends and neighbors better than the people that live closest to them. We love because we were loved. We love because God first loved us. But we also love to show the love of God. He reconciled us to himself, 2 Corinthians says. So therefore we become reconcilers. We take that love to people who need it. And there's a lot of hurting people that need that love right now. They need that radical, unconditional love.
An example of what that could look like in your life - it's a funny example so I don't know if you'll relate to it - there was somebody that was gossiping about me. And someone who they gossiped about me to told me what they said. In the same time frame, they ask me to do something publicly nice for them - to endorse or sell something for them. I was like, well, that's interesting. The timing was really close together. I was really hurt. I was hurt that they didn't respect me enough to come straight to me. I was hurt that they felt the freedom to disparage my name in a way that I felt wasn't fair. Nothing in me wanted to celebrate that person, but I did it! I said the nice things and I put it online. I like this person and they have great things to say - they sinned against me but they are a great content creator. That person if they were listening to this probably wouldn't know that I heard about it. I think what it did in me was it freed me from that unforgiveness. Actively loving that person and publicly loving that person and praising that person took away some of the hate in my heart. For you, it might be taking them a casserole. But sometimes we intentionally have to bless the person that's cursing us - because that is biblical. When you are cursed, you give blessing. When someone hits you on the cheek, you turn the other cheek. It is the mark of a Christian. It is so radical and so unthinkable that we would sign up for more hurt and we would bless people that hurt us, but it is part of what shows the world God in us. It's a backwards love. It's not one that makes sense. We're working from a different source and worldview and paradigm that requires loving people without expecting anything in return. That's a hard way to live. Some of you are feeling like a victim because you have given and given and given and not gotten anything in return. Again, there are times for boundaries and times when relationships turn so toxic that you really do need to set up healthy ways to interact with people. We are still human and we have limitations. In general, the way we love is if it's from God, then we can give it without end and freely without expecting anything in return. Most of the love in life that we give, we don't get anything in return. If you have kids, you know this full well. They are not regularly thanking me for raising them. They are looking at me and complaining about what they don't have, what I did, what I didn't do, and they're not very often going, "thank you for nursing me and birthing me and tutoring me and carpooling me." And anyone that has led anything! Very few people are going to turn around and say, "thank you so much for pouring your guts into that and doing that work with excellence for my good." I have such a heart for pastors right now and those that serve locally, because it is such a hard time to lead and such a thankless time and everyone is so frustrated with you and so frustrated with what you're doing or not doing. That thankless love is actually regular in our lives. And God calls us to it because he knows it's going to overtime cause people to see God in us.