The Top 5 Things to Try this Week for a Better Marriage
March 02, 2021
Jennie Allen
Bible teacher, founder of IF:Gathering
You are in for a treat today because we are talking about marriage! Marriage and parenting are the biggest topics that people want me to write about and talk about. The reason why is because you are STRUGGLING. And it's your everyday life. Now, before you turn us off singles, I want you to listen, because the next episode this week is for you and it's about dating. Marrieds, I want you to listen to that episode too. We need to have better conversations about these topics. You need to hear what it feels like for people that are waiting to get married and they are having a hard time and figuring out how to online date in the midst of Covid-19.
Marriage is one of my favorite topics because it's probably the biggest miracle in my personal life. Our marriage went from something I was enduring to something that is the best marriage I could imagine it being. In fact, at church, we fill out this survey of how we're doing to renew our membership again, and one of the questions was a marriage question - like how are you doing 1-10. I asked Zac what he put for that question, and I had put a 9 (I would've put 9.5 if that was an option) and he put a 7! The bad part is they took that question off the test we take every year! So he's never been able to lift it. But I do ask him every year what our number is. He's happy, he's fine, and he thinks if he puts a 9 then we have nowhere else to go. Zac's not here today, because we really have to twist his arm to get him in the studio, but I'm kind of owning that. Every single time I've talked about marriage Zac has been here. But I'm excited to share with y'all today! I'm going to tell you what we've learned and how he has gone from a person I didn't know, that I felt distant from in the first 5+ years of our marriage, to my best friend. If anything happens to him, I would go underground and no one would hear from me again, because he is my best friend. We have the closest marriage and he is in every part of life with me. We are quite a little team now!
OUR FIRST 5 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
But to give you a picture of our marriage at the beginning, it started pretty rough. We never lived in the same town, we got married young, and the first 5 years I felt completely shut down. I did not feel known by him. He was not emotional at all. In fact, he stuffed all emotions and really believed emotions were bad. I'm very emotional as y'all know, so I was lost and I was losing myself. I was miserable. There were times I just felt so backed into a corner and so unhappy, that I fantasized about our marriage ending. I wouldn't' have left him because of my convictions, but I would have without those convictions. That's how unhappy I was. Year 5 or 6 we started going to counseling, and spent a year and a half of our lives in counseling. We go back to it regularly and often. Zac is a whole different human and is very emotional now. He's very connected relationally and emotionally. But he had to learn that and that took time and effort on his part. It also took a lot of us prioritizing each other's needs and putting each other above ourselves. That's a process every married couple has to go through. It's not easy or marriages would have a better success rate if it was. It's hard to learn that and some people do and some people don't. It's not a problem with your spouse - you'll have that problem with anyone you marry. Learning to live unselfishly is not in our nature, does not come easily, but it is something every single person on earth needs to know, but especially married people.
Today we're talking about why we have a good marriage and why we think it's possible for anyone to have a good marriage. Some of you are listening right now and laughing or shaking your head or crying. You just don't think that's possible for you. When we were in a bad place, I couldn't imagine it being better. But it can be! That change takes a lot of work, commitment to counseling, possibly dealing with sin, causing other things to not thrive because you're prioritizing your marriage, etc. That's something we don't talk about enough. My husband always says, "counseling works if it works." Because it takes two people committed to make it work, to change, to understand each other, and lean in. If one of them is but the other isn't, it won't work. Minus abuse, which is a whole different situation and I would really encourage you to get help if that's you. We're coming off of Covid and I know some of you are hanging on by a thread. Here are a few things that I would encourage you to do if that's you. Whether your marriage is on the verge of ending or you just don't think of your husband as your best friend or you have a great marriage already - this is for you!
1. Get a Counselor
That doesn't have to be a paid counselor, but for some people it needs to be. If you've been through really big difficulties like sexual abuse in your past, the inability to have sex in your marriage, an affair, or years and years of not having a healthy marriage - you probably need to pay for it. I would encourage you to find a marriage class in your church - someone with a Christian worldview is essential so you actually come together over what's true, good, and right. Keep people handy who you can be honest with. Right now that role is being played in our small group - we're talking about any fight we have! When someone shows up to small group and is like, "we had a fight," we all close our books and lean in and we hash it out. Maybe you don't have that, but it might just be one older couple that you trust and is wise and has a great marriage. It takes time! Your marriage isn't going to be perfectly healed in one session or a month of sessions - for us it was a year and a half of showing up every single week. We were poor seminary students! I do not know looking back how we afforded that. It was fish and loaves. We didn't do anything else! We didn't go out to eat - our date night was a cheap cheeseburger and counseling! That was a priority to us. I want to go back and hug that Zac and Jennie for doing that! Because it's why our marriage is so great. It has changed the next few decades of our lives. Get. A. Counselor. Here's why: you're both coming at each other with your own hurts, your own feelings, your own life experiences from growing up, and instead of hearing each other you just have things to say. You can't hear each other or even understand each other. A great counselor should be a great interpreter. Your counselor should be able to say, "you know what I hear her saying? I don't hear her being irrational and emotional - I hear her having a very valid need that all humans have. She wants to be understood and she's not feeling heard. It feels like she's invisible." All the sudden, my husband is like, "well I don't want her to feel that way." The same words could've come out of your mouth but he couldn't hear them! An interpreter gives validation so you can understand each other better. You will get stuck, you will disagree, you will lose your mind, and you need someone you can go talk to. There will be times it gets unthinkably hard. For some of you, it's affairs you're overcoming and betrayal that feels impossible to recover from. Unfortunately, I get that because we've walked through that with my sister. She walked through a divorce that was absolutely the most difficult thing in the world. In all the cases, having outside support and help is necessary in a marriage.
2. Build a Life Together
We build things into our lives that we do together. We sit down together and plan our year. We have kids that need us, so there are lots of times we both can't go to things, but there are also lots of times we just get a sitter and we both go. Because we want to be together! My kids laugh all the time and say they're going to have to go to counseling because our parents liked each other too much and ignored us. I don't think any counselor will feel that sorry for them, because we didn't ignore them, but they did see us constantly having fun together, choosing to be together, going on dates all the time. Once we didn't have to pay for a babysitter, we would just go out all the time! Here's a pizza - good luck! I just like him and he likes me. We've worked through our hurt. He's a man that follows God and we care about similar things - not always. There are so many times we're talking and I just don't care about whatever business deal he's doing, but I listen anyway! We prioritize each other. I let him into my problems and my life. Some of you are thinking, "I can't do that, my husband wouldn't know what to say, he wouldn't be able to emotionally engage, etc." Try it. Then tell him how to engage. For so many years, part of our counseling therapy was, "say what you need." Don't just emotionally break down and cry about something, then expect him to respond perfectly. Say, "I'm going to share something with you and I need you to listen" or "I'm going to share something with you, and I need your advice. I need you to tell me what to do." Give them handles! Tell them what you need from them. I'm saying this to husbands and wives - both of you.
3. Learn How to Have Sex Well
I know some of you are like oh my gosh she's going to talk about sex. We can not talk about marriage and not talk about sex. Guys, I don't know where Christians go to learn how to have sex well, but do you know how many of you tell me that you have sex like once a month or once a yer. NO! That is not okay! I've heard it all. For some reason I am a lot of people's sex counselor. I am not unsympathetic to this situation. For some of you, you need therapy! You've been through abuse, you've been through things that taints sex for you! It's not safe. Some of your marriages have been through so much trauma that of course you don't feel safe physically with somebody. Get help! I am not suggesting that you just pretend that's not there and not work through it. You need to heal! That's valid and real. Men, you guys, the greatest tool you have to love your wife into wholeness is to help her. It's to be there, help her find someone to talk to, and treat it seriously. That's really real for a lot of women. To the rest of you that just don't like sex: y'all get a book. Figure it out! It's AWESOME! Learning how to have good sex is so awesome. You want to do it! That's all I can say about it. You want to learn how to have good sex. I will say that our marriage is so much easier and more fun because of sex. I know women are like, what's the point? You feel like it's just some insatiable thing he wants. I think lots of women want sex more than men or more than their husbands - I've heard that too. I don't think there's a stereotype here. Some of you just don't want to have sex. 1. Get your hormones checked and make sure there's nothing physically going and then 2. Deal with any emotional issues and then 3. Make sure you're having good sex! Read a book, talk about it, and make sure you're doing it right! I know y'all are dying out there, but this is real. It needs to be said. It can be great! The fruit of it is not just physical intimacy. The fruit of it is they're your best friend, you're going through life together, and you have this connection to them that you don't have with anyone else. You eat together, raise a family together, laugh together, work together - it's this unique picture of oneness that's fun, a reward, and joyful. I would really encourage you to not to settle for an absent sex life, a hard sex life, or uncomfortable sex life. I think a lot of you are in one of those categories and I don't want you to settle for that. Talk to a counselor. Seek help. See a doctor. Of my friends that have done that, there are many of them that have healed and now have great sex lives! It doesn't have to be hard forever.
4. Learn to Solve Problems Well
This one covers a lot of things: finances, in-laws, how we celebrate birthdays and Christmases - we talked about it in pre-marriage counseling and done the things you were supposed to do, but when it comes to a sacred thing that you hold and your husband/wife doesn't, all the sudden it doesn't matter what's rational or that you talked about it when you were in love and young and wanting to get married - in that moment it feels like you have an enemy and not a friend. We had to learn conflict resolution. We had to learn how to solve problems well and make compromises. We had to work in an understanding way with each other when we disagreed. This is probably the greatest tool we've learned in marriage that saved us. The first few years, every little and big fight was the most disastrous thing. We wouldn't talk for days. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth (by me). It was like we didn't have the tools to get out of stuck places that we were getting to week after week after week. I would encourage you in this regard to do the work here. Set some ground rules around conflict resolution. For us, we never talk about it at night. There's a verse that says don't let the sun go down on your anger, but we just had to let things go and do it in the morning. Things always blew up and got more emotional at night. The next ground rule was, for awhile, we would write out what it was we were feeling and what we wanted to happen. I would get so emotional that I wasn't good at communicating in those moments. I would feel pushed around and like he was winning in an argument. So I needed to write down what I'm feeling and what I want to communicate so he could read it and we could talk about it, rather than me feeling like I was getting run over. I don't know what your communication problems are, but each of you should bring the things you need when you get stuck in a conversation that's heated. Maybe you need some time, another person present, or draw some parameters around what you can and can't say. Maybe you have a temper and your partner is stuffing their feelings because your temper is intimidating! Maybe there's ground rules around your tone of voice, words you can't use, etc. I would imagine everyone listening wants a healthy marriage and if there is something keeping you from that, you want to solve it. I'm just working with that assumption. You may not believe you can or you may have been hurt for so long that you don't like that person anymore and can hardly stand them, but all of that is healable. Those things can be worked out, but there has to be parameters and guidelines in order to cause thriving. Make agreements together and keep those agreements. Maybe there's something that doesn't feel like a big deal to you but does to your spouse - take it seriously! Treat it like a big deal! We're all coming from a different perspective. Sometimes Zac will go to bed before he turns all the lights off and locks up the house. I was so angry at him for that! I mean I could do it, I'm an adult, I'm not that weak of a vessel, I can turn out the lights and lock the doors. But I would get so hurt by it! He finally asked me why it was such a big deal, and I looked back at my childhood and my daddy would not go to sleep until the doors were locked and the lights were out. It was such a sign of his protection over us. Once we talked about it I realized that wasn't really rational - Zac is so protective of us and loves us so much - but somehow I was triggered by that. It turned into a bigger deal than it was because of my childhood and what I deeply wanted to feel. He gives us that protection all the time, but some nights he just goes to bed first! We've got to get better at processing what we're really feeling, where it's coming from, and solving problems together.
5. Recognize that Marriage is Hard
Here's the biggest thing I want you to take away from this: marriage is hard. As much as Zac is my best friend now, it's still hard sometimes. I know it might not be encouraging to hear about a great marriage when you're in a stuck place, but I want to give a vision that it's possible. There are still so many small and big places where we push each other's buttons and hurt each other and really disagree on things. There's not some place you're going to land where it's just really easy for a man and a woman to be married forever together. But God knew there was something powerful in a man and a woman coming together and making a family. It's a miracle. That was his plan. I think how it works for us - I've got a man who has done the work, he is not threatened by me, he leads me but does not hold me back, he believes in me, and he sends me to build the kingdom of God. I know that is not normal for everybody. But he dealt with his demons! There was a point where he did not want to do that and he was bitter and he did not want to be the one doing the dishes while I was out teaching. He went to war with that in himself and he came back from that season of what he would say was a dark night of the soul, and he said, "Jennie, I want to build the kingdom of God and go and run, and we'll figure it out together." And there are times that he runs - it's an ebb and a flow. He's busier than me right now! I'm at home in my pajamas podcasting and he has 5 meetings. We kind of just work together and we're building ground rules for how we engage, having lots of sex, on mission together, and it's fun! I say all that simply to give you hope and make you want to fight for it. I want you to pay for that counselor. I want you to get help. I want you to have those conversations. I want us to have a church alive on earth that has fantastic marriages that reflect God and his goodness.