Face It > Stuff It with Lisa Bevere

October 29, 2020

Jennie Allen

Bible teacher, founder of IF:Gathering

You guys are going to love my next guest - it's her first time! She is a new friend, but she is a deep and fast friend. What she did for us is her and her husband John parented us. The two of them spoke into our lives in such a powerful way. Welcome my friend Lisa Bevere!

Today we're going to talk about something we're all facing which is anger. This is something else you've written about before. I like bringing you on for this subject because you are fiery! You are passionate! I'm sure you have a fierce part of you that acts up every once in awhile. I do believe that during this season, anger is rampant.

I agree. I am half Sicilian, and honestly it doesn't make my life any easier. I used to think I was part Apache Indian and when I got the DNA test done, I found out I was part Arab. My husband was like, that explains everything. I was just raised in a very passionate household. My father is 100% Sicilian. My mother came from a very broken background - her mother was married 4 times to 3 men. There was all this brokenness in our past. I lost an eye to cancer when I was 5 years of age. I think when you've gone through things where you feel vulnerable, you'll develop this pattern of anger to protect you. I could snap fast. I would tell my husband if he wanted passion in the bedroom, you're going to have things thrown in the kitchen too. This is just the way I am! But I started to find out that I didn't want to be that way. I'm going to tell you what the turning point was. The Bible says, "be angry and do not sin." I knew how to be angry, but I didn't know how to be angry and not sin in my anger. One turning point was when John and I moved into our first house in Orlando and he saw me stomping around the house and thought I was going to break something in our brand new house! I was putting clothes out of the washer into the dryer, and I was just slamming stuff. I turned around and John was standing there, he picked me up, and he put me in the garage. He said, "you're staying out here until you calm down." I know that you don't know me well, but that had the very opposite effect of calming me down. I ran to the front door, I rang the doorbell a bunch of times, I threatened to tell the neighbors - all of that. But he wouldn't let me in so I went back to the garage and started unpacking things, since we had just moved. At least I'll be productive until he comes get me! Then I thought, "wait a minute - he's not coming. What if everytime I get upset he puts me in the garage? This is going to be horrible! I'm going to break something of his so he knows to never do this again." Then I remembered we were too poor to replace something if I broke it. But I remembered my husband did all the grilling, so I took a hammer and put a dent in the lid of the grill, so it still worked but he would always remember not to mess with me. I was lifting my arm back to hit the grill, when I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Lisa, if you hit that grill, it's you doing it. It's not the Sicilian. It's not your parents. This is you doing it." I still hit the grill. My husband was not impressed. He said, "what is it going to take for you to get a grip on your temper?" Then I had my second child. One child was like an accessory to me - I dressed him up, he behaved well and I swear it was all a trick to get me to have a second child. When I had my second son, I thought I was never going to brush my teeth before noon again. We had one car so I was always trapped at home with my kids. I remember John would come home, look at the house, see me standing there with a baby in my arms and another one running in diapers, and ask, "what have you done all day?" 

No he didn't!

Yes he did. Every single day. But one day a phone call came, I was in the kitchen and I had put Addison down so I could go take a shower. But he got off his bed and was running amok downstairs, and I knew if he didn't settle down the other baby was going to wake up. When I hung up the phone, I went up the stairs, and I no longer saw my son. I saw an enemy. This is the one keeping me from getting anything done! He was two years old and I picked him up, stormed upstairs with him and went into the room, and I remember looking into his eyes and God did this thing in me. I didn't see my son, I remembered myself. Growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. Everytime I was hit, I was kicked, I was slapped, I made myself a promise: I will never treat my children this way. There I was, a born-again pastor's wife, feeling like I was about to hurt my son. That was my breaking point. I put him down on the bed, I hit the carpet, and I prayed, "God, I have a real problem with anger and I don't know how to get free." I cried until this stillness overwhelmed me. In that stillness I heard the Holy Spirit say, "because you're no longer justifying this, I'll take it out of your life." We all have this long list of mistreatments and why we could be angry. But you and I have had the realization that we have not defined what was done to us, but what was done for us. What Jesus did to set us free has to supersede what other people have done that put us in a situation of abuse, anger, offense, or unforgiveness.

What you're doing right now is so powerful, Lisa. You are so respected by so many people, and to hear that story, it's a reminder that there's always hope. If he can change her, he can change me. I don't want to miss that moment, because so many of you have gone too far with your kids. You have raged against them and I would just say, do not hide in shame. Find somebody and talk to them. This is the other side of that coin - the people listening that are thinking, "I don't get angry. I don't feel that. I don't relate to that. I don't rage against my kids." What would you say to them? I think anger is inside all of us. One of my first Bible studies was called Stuck and it was about emotions. Every emotion that I wrote about and dug into scripture about I felt myself, but I didn't think I had anger. I was that girl that didn't think I struggled with that. When I got into it, I realized, oh no, this might be the underlying one of them all. This might be the thing that causes me to feel shame and fear. This is underneath everything. Talk to that person listening who feels like this isn't a problem for them. 

First and foremost, I wish I was more like that person. I love that you highlighted to bring in accountability. I did tell my husband what I almost did to our child. I know I'm forgiven the moment I confess my sins to God - he already knew. I forgave my mom because I had held that against her. The Bible says "be angry and sin not." I think a lot of people are in denial that they feel angry. They have pushed it down. There's a lot to be upset about! Anger is more of an awareness thing that something is not right. Instead of stuffing it, you need to actually pay attention to why you're upset, and have a conversation. I think a lot of people had parents who had crazy anger, and they deny they're angry themselves because they're afraid of that. I also think right now it's okay to be angry about a few things. There are certain things we need to be aware of that isn't right. There are those couples in the world that say they never fight, but then two years later they're getting a divorce. It probably would've worked out if they would just have fought with each other! If they would've gotten it out! Have an actual conversation and express it, rather than pretending things aren't there. I find that anger is kind of a cover up for fear. I was afraid that if I didn't fight for myself that things weren't going to be safe for me. It goes even deeper. Fear isn't ever its own thing, because it really is unbelief. If you would've called and said, "I'm having a really hard time" I would've prayed with 100% belief that God would work for you. When it came to me, I didn't see God's goodness for me. I think there are people who don't see that maybe their anger might be a stomach ache or a migraine or tension or lack of clarity. I had to make the decision to be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to wrath. I had to quit making excuses. I had to change the way I argued with my husband! I had to stop attacking him and start attacking our problems. We had to set some boundaries in place - not barriers or walls - but boundaries. When we sit down and have conversations, they are going to be productive. We have these two chairs and when we sit in them, if either person got out of line, the other person gets up and you were not allowed to chase someone around the house. 

I look back at my anger issues, and just in case somebody is listening and wondering if they struggle with anger, a lot of mine came from rights I thought I had. One of my biggest rights I thought I had was a right to be understood. When you tell that story about your husband, I am absolutely the one that would run after him. You're not going to leave with this undone, because you need to understand me. And if you understand me, you would be empathetic and loving and I would be right! That is not always the issue nor do we always have a right to that. That's the power of understanding that there's anger in me. It's causing me to see where I think I have rights to things that are causing me to be a jerk. There are things that build up in us that over time turn into bitterness, and overtime that roots itself in anger. We just may not call it that. Last night, I found out that one of these chairs that I love and have had for a long time was broken. I was LIVID. I didn't even know who to be mad at. I mean I literally told my husband I don't want to talk to him because I was so mad, and it wasn't even his fault! I say all that to say that I think right now there is an irritability laying over all of us that is very easily triggered. This morning I saw the chair and I thought, "why did that make me so mad last night?" I'm fine! The chair is fine! It's barely noticeable. I want to talk about that, because what we're doing in the series is we're talking about these emotions we have that are heightened because of Covid. Where there are little irritations, what do you do with those? What do you do to work through those? I actually need this answer, based on last night.

I love that you said it's aggravated. There is an agitation over us. I think it's normal when you're in a situation that's unknown. Like is the cloud moving? What's going on? Are we going to have an uncertainty forever? I do think naming it is important. Asking what's going on underneath is an important question to ask to be able to move forward. For example, if there was a habit in your family of everyone breaking your belongings, then the chair situation happened and you got angry, you probably just feel undervalued. You feel like other people don't value what you value. Or is it just that you love the chairs and you've had a hard day? I think we need to cut ourselves some grace, but I also think we need to stop being sheriffs and outlaws. I'm watching what's happening on social media, and it feels like the chair is breaking in everyone's life and they're taking it out on social media! I told my husband I have never seen so many people being so mean. And so excited about me being wrong about something! When you have an aggravation, everything feels bigger. I think that's where we're at right now. Slowing things down and asking what's really going on in the moment. Then reminding yourself that God is good, he has a plan, and just because I don't know what's going on doesn't mean God isn't in control. I think that God has been showing us that we have never, ever been in control. We just thought we were. 

That's it for me. If I go back and think what was underneath my anger, that day I tried to get a lot of things done that didn't get done. I tried to fast forward a project that almost collapsed. It just felt like I was spinning my wheels and it wasn't working, so the chair was the final straw. The control thing is huge.

The truth is we thought we were in control and we never were. It's like an awareness of reality that God is in control. He wasn't confused about this pandemic. He's fine. I have always found that whenever I have a disproportionate reaction to something, it's because I'm not feeling heard, I'm not feeling understood, or I've been rewarded for bad behavior in the past. I got my way when I threw a fit. In that scenario, you have to ask yourself if that's the person you want to be. You can be passionate without being destructive with your anger. You can be passionate without being harsh with your words. You can be passionate and fight for rather than just fight. Right now, people feel like their purpose is taking away, so they're just fighting. When I do that, I have to put myself in time out. I don't get to post on social media today. You go into your closet and worship until you've got something nice to say. God gets mad too! He turns away from his children when he gets angry so that he can turn back. Anger is supposed to be momentary displeasure. You turn away so you can separate the person from the actions. Rage is always going to look for a target. I'm upset so I'm going to go on social media, yell at my husband, do something to satisfy my wrath. Wrath is when I think, "I'm angry and you're going to pay." The Bible is very clear that wrath never works the righteous purposes of God. Destruction will never move us toward construction. When I am angry, I have to step back until I can be constructive. Once I figure out what's going on, I can help resolve the problem. A lot of people feel like they have the right to be right, and we're not listening to other people. We can never move forward when there is disrespect in a conversation. 

I want you to speak to the person right now in their house that might have a blow up moment in the next hour. They've got little kids and they've got their headphones in doing the dishes while they listen to this. They probably have little mini explosions going on around them all day. What can they do? What is their hope?

Until I actually let go, I kept a list of everything I had done wrong. I went to bed with mommy guilt every night. I yelled at my kids when I shouldn't have, I didn't clean up this, I didn't do the laundry, and because I was so hard on myself, I deflected it by being hard on other people. I think one of the most courageous things we can do is to embrace God's mercy. You know what, maybe the day didn't go how you wanted it to, but put away the mommy guilt and receive mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement. I can release mercy to other people too. Take it 5 minutes at a time. Don't let things compound on you. For moms right now, there is a lot of sense of losing control. Edit your life a little bit! Moms have so much pressure. Not only are they handling all this stuff, but they are playing to this audience on Instagram - thank God was not a thing in my generation. Edit your life and figure out where those unnatural pressures are coming from. But forgive yourself. One of the best things I ever did with my kids was own my mistakes. I think children and husband and friends feel safe when people own their mistakes. My parents would apologize and say, "I'm sorry I hit you, but you make me so mad." What I heard was, "you're the problem. I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me mad." When they really just needed to say, "I'm sorry." Just own it. Cut some of the stuff that's overwhelming you. When my kids were young, I felt like I was surviving them. I wasn't enjoying them. Young moms - take a deep breath and give yourself some of God's mercy. When God forgave me even though I hadn't forgiven my mother and I was about to do the very thing I hadn't forgiven her for, that shifted everything in my heart. Right now, that perfection thing is such a lie. There's a quote by Jill Churchill that says, "there is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. So focus on your good and give yourself grace." 

That's a great quote. Honestly, I look back at that and in my weakness were my favorite moments with my kids. I always tell people to mess up a lot in front of their kids, so they know they can, and apologize a lot because that builds real relationships. That is the best advice in parenting. Go mess up and apologize!